The "F" in F5 Stands for Failure.

I think Blogger.com must be under some kind of Denial of Service attack because all of your comments aren't being reported on my end. I hit F5 (the shortcut button for refreshing a webpage for you blogbabies) for the better part of the day hoping to see what you all had to say about the latest look into my abyss. Needless to say, I sent Blogger.com a very concerned email shortly after I realized there was a problem. I'm still waiting to hear back from them. I've just felt oh so alone and I NEED you guys to reply to my blog. If I don't hear back from you guys on what I've written then how can I justify living? Boo hoo! Woe is me.

YEAH, MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT.

I bet you boiz n' gurlz thought that I was some pathetic waste of space that justifies his life through what others think of him. Well sorry to disappoint you, dicklicks, but my world doesn't revolve around what you think no matter how much you think it. I think some people need to build a time machine and go back and talk with Freud to get your egos checked out. Let me lay out just how pathetic you all are compared to me. Were you getting teary-eyed reading my opening blogograph? I custom wrote that little intro to tug at your weak little heartstrings. I've studied blog upon blog throughout my research and I know what kind of emotional buzzwords are best used to get comments. And I'll tell you right now that I'm not about to stoop to those tactics, pun in-motherfucking-tended. Yeah, I'm mad you guys think my life depends on what you, my small group of readers, thinks. But it's not true. Still not convinced that I'm more e-cool than you? Well let me let you in on a little secret:

I daily visit four (and only four) other websites that can supply me with the comments I need. I'm not a blogger exclusive. So I hope I don't bruise any of your feelings with this revelation of where else I go to get my juice.

Otakubooty.com
I'm a proud member of the Otakubooty community. Otakubooty is a dating website for people who consider themselves, no, ourselves otaku. What is an otaku? Why not just ask me to define the word Juggalo? It's just impossible to describe in words what an otaku is, but if I had to try I'd say, "[It] is a person who is cooler than most other people on the internet." I get maybe 4 or 5 comments from members on that site EVERY DAY. That's like an infinity times more than I get here. Hear that? Ya'll is slim pickins. Some of my best e-friends take time out of their busy lives to skim through the prewritten list of comments that you are allowed to leave. Some of these comments are considered 18+ so I won't go into them in detail here. Occasionally I'll even get a message from some hot chick asking me why I've viewed her profile 200 times. Basically, I can go to this website and get all the attention I need in exchange for posting nude pictures of myself, and that's more than I can say for your sorry lot.

Gamefaqs.com
Maybe you've heard of it? It's only the biggest and best online community for people who are into gaming. If you want good conversation about your favorite games then check no further than the Gamefaqs message boards. If you are some noob lurker on their site then you might know me as Sephirothr4ven-kun. Yeah, THE Sephirothr4ven-kun. Gamefaqs is a place where I know if I put up a thread about who would win in a fight, Yoshi or Young Link, I'll get some timely responses. We have this funny inside joke where every time I post something everyone responds with the word "fag." It's a pretty hilarious typo of the word "faq" (stands for Frequently Answered faQs) which I'm known to be pretty 1337 at writing, when it comes down to it. I'll usually get like 40 or 50 replies like this before my topic sinks to the bottom. I'm smart enough to take screenshots of all those threads in case people want to try to question my clout. And NO, I don't photoshop them.

Facebook.com
You could almost call me a founding member of this community. Back when it first came out I got in on the ground floor on day one. And I'm not the type of bozo who goes around friending everyone I see just to swell up my count. Last time I tried that (as a test to all those out there) no one actually accepted my friendships (You all passed the test). Facebook is set up to where I don't even need to get comments directly from my friends. I just check my feed and it's like every detail of their lives are commented up against my own. Facebook is the Fun House Mirror of networking sites. I know some of you bloozers are on there too, so don't think I'm not aware of your little games. Writing on each others' walls about how today you aren't going to comment on my blog so that when you do inevitably flood me with comments tomorrow I'll appreciate them more. Listen! I don't need tough love okay? I just need anything... no no no. Okay, no. That was a test, too...ah, and you all passed but barely with like a D-.

And lastly but definitely not least Myspace.com
Man, am I popular on this website. I can't look away for less than three minutes without some Super Model asking me to be her friend. How many of you know Super Models? No, Daniel, your wife's JC Penny catalog doesn't count lol! There is something that some of you lack and will probably never learn. It's called charisma, and it's what I use to fill out online profiles to make girls want to be my friend and message me about their picture websites. Lesson 1: Always say that you are single, always. This will have the honies flocking to your inbox. Lesson 2: Always say that you are dissatisfied with the size of your penis. Girls love a guy who's sensitive and honest. Lesson 3 (the greatest of all): Make sure you don't have any losers in your Top 8. Go ahead and check, you won't find any of yourselves in there. It's nothing personal I just think you might cramp my style. Follow my lessons and you'll become pretty popular on myspace.

I hope this sheds some light on my daily web browsing. I'm not just sitting here at my blog hitting F5 over and over waiting for some kind of human contact. No I sit with 5 open tabs in my Mozilla Firefox Browser. Each one opened to one of the websites I mentioned above. I then follow a very strict refresh and browse regimen to maximize the comments I get. First I hit F5, scan, and process any changes. If there are no changes on the website I click the tab to the immediate right of the previous tab (unless it's the last tab in which case I cycle back to the first). I then follow that Refreshercise over and over until someone has responded to a thread or profile. Then I take the time to compose and send a follow up comment and to bask in my badittude. Only then do I move on to the next tab. You see, the Internet never slows and certainly never stands still, especially if you have up to five websites to visit. You can become a very busy and successful commenteer if you just follow my (F)five easy steps.

So, don't cry for me, Argentina, (you can almost spell Internet with the letters in that) the truth is I never left you. I merely minimized your tab. I'll be back one day. Today. Like in 4 minutes.