Where Dat Cat Shit Go To?

If there is one thing that has consistently been there for me in my life it would have to be cat shit. It's the mortar to my stone. I couldn't tell you if the sun was going to rise tomorrow but I sure as shit could bet that I'd be passing over some cat shit in the hallway as I walk to the bathroom. I'm not sure if there is a Cat Shit Fairy that comes and drops them on the carpet every night while I'm sleeping or if it's just the cat shitting on the floor, but I am sure that while I can't depend on much--I can depend on cat shit.

It's a shame then that cat shit is so nasty. Luckily I've found a way to deal with all the cat shit in my life. I call this method Out of Sight, Out of Mind. I've coined that phrase so give the props where they're due. Cat shit loses its odor and becomes rock hard pretty quickly so it's really easy to either step over or kick into a corner. Sometimes I'll lift up a rug and slide it under. If I'm feeling edgy sometimes I'll pick it up and put it in a sock. There are literally thousands of places to hide cat shit in a home, and if that's not your style then you can always just avoid it. Just think hey I bet the next person who sees that shit will clean it up, so I'll just pass by and close the door.

Once you've mastered this simple technique for avoiding cat shit you can easily apply it to other depressing or nasty things in your life.

I really don't like wars because I think they are stupid and mean and so when people say stuff like, "Hey have you seen all those wars over in that country? There is footage all over CNN!" I gotta think of a quick way to avoid having to think about them. Here is where I use the Stutter Technique. I imagine that the person I'm talking to has a very bad stutter and that when they said CNN they actually meant CN (cartoon network). So I'll respond to their question about war footage by saying, "No dude I haven't caught that rad toon but I sure am stoked about the new season of IGPX." At that point they'll usually say, "Oh man that show is rad!"

Disaster Avoided! The stutter technique can be used to divert any conversation that might not appeal to you. Remember: ignore what the person says and assume they are talking about Cartoon Network's newest line up. This is the key to keeping all those nasty rumors about war out of sight (or hear in this case lol) and out of our toon-loving minds.

What if you are one of the few sheltered people who doesn’t know enough about the Network of Cartoons to hold a convincing conversation about it? Well you are going to need a new technique. If we use what we know about cat shit we can develop any number of exciting ways to avoid those “bad” things in life. The second technique is called Feast of the Blood Wolf. Dogs love to eat one thing more than cat shit and that is human flesh. If you are like me you starve your dogs 5 days out of the week so that when they go upstairs they’ll be ready to eat all that shit that the cat left over the last few days. Well let’s say someone keeps spouting off some nonsense about Evolution (aka Devilution). Sometimes you are just in too much of a rush to counter them with your sound Biblical Evidence and need to be on your way. That’s when you simply release your dogs on them and let the dogs do the convincing for you. Who’s a survivalist of the fit now?

Maybe you aren’t a dog person. What then? Well that’s where my third technique, Paper Bag Hat, comes into play. This is a stylish variant on the original out of sight denial gig. You just take a big brown paper sack, fill it with this week’s cat shit and then put it over top of your head. You may have to lay down for a day or two to let the shit set in. This method will keep everyone who might ever talk to you from coming anywhere near you. In this manner you can live in a world free of worries in which YOU make the news. In your head. This also keeps your floors cat shit free which can be nice if you aren’t very good at stepping over the little logs.

In closing, the best way to deal with cat shit is not to yell at the cat. This will only scare it and make it shit even more. The thing to do is to just slide your gaze on by. Push that shit into a corner and go to sleep, America. You can’t keep a cat from shitting, but you can keep an eye from having to look at that shit. Use my techniques and you’ll never have to worry about that annoying doo doo ever again.