Quit Playing Games With My Shart

I was playing some Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix the other day when I got a phone call from that girl who I scared off with my post about Duke. I thought oh, shart! she's gonna give it to me now! But actually she called to say sorry about breaking things off via email and that she and I were "as cool as two pairs of hang-dried overalls swishing in a spring breeze in a burb just outside of Atlanta." Hopefully, this will put to rest some of the accusations I've got from some of my more irate readers and finally bring some closure to the issue at hand. That issue being is DDR: Marmix a viable DDR title or is it just some kiddy Nintendo bulldoo?

My take? I'd say it's pretty viable. I've spent many hours dancing to my mirrorself (Luigi) and I have grown some pretty harsh fungi to cushion the blow of the hard concrete of my basement cell floor against my raggedly described feet. So anyways I went back to pumpin' it up after I got off (lol) the phone with her. Can I get an A on Blooper Bop? Will Toad be proud of my progress in the Story Mode? Who has stolen the Music Keys? Will Bowser's Castle be unbeatable? When will my step-dad stop hurting me? These questions raced through my mind as my feet moved in patterns so complex it'd have MC Escher (or whatever that rapper's name was) going DAMN, BOI!

I was dancing so hard that I didn't realize there was a rumbling in my tummy. Dang, I thought, I gotta fart. Little did I realize I was in for the shart storm of the century... or so I thought. It was just a sweaty fart, nothing to detract me from workin' it to a little Garden Boogie. That's when my eye caught the bag of DS games sitting next to my bed. "What the shart is that?" I asked no one in particular. I paused the game and then opened the bag even more and saw that it was filled with DS games that I had never played, never even dreamed of beating. Was Christmas in August this year? That's when I sharted. The shart heard round the world some would call it, while others would go to call it the Book of Revelation of Sharts because the sharts just kept on falling like the half notes on Fishing Frenzy.

Why'd I shart so hard? Well let me tell you, not only had I eaten three Crunch Wrap Supremes for lunch, but I had a realization. It wasn't Christmas. It wasn't even Santa's Birthday. Those games that I had hardly played... had been bought with my own money and then forgotten. I've just been so distracted by games like DDR and Tetris that you can't even beat that I'd forgotten what got me into this whole business in the first place.

Sharting.

Not the shart that comes when you're dancing too hard that your sphincter can't handle it, but the sharting that comes when you've beaten a single player campaign and you say, "Hey game developers, this shart is for all that hard work." God when was the last time I've been able to say that about a game? Not since Army Men: Sarge's Gay Mutiny has a game moved me to shart so fondly. I felt ashamed. Here I'd just been forgiven by a girl who had been disgusted by me (probably for the way I had forgotten about single player games) and I couldn't even forgive myself enough to give a shart about a lousy bag of DS games. How far have I fallen? Do you all know what I use as a stand for my DDR: Marmix game pad? I use a bag of unplayed Gamecube games. A big bundle of games stacked up just to hold the peripheral for a game that has no ending! Nothing to shart over but some lousy arrows. Well Mr. Miyamoto you can take your arrows and shove them up your dry clean butt because I'm making a stand. I'm going to beat all those DS games and then I'm going to trade in all of those Gamecube games for Wii credit and you won't shart on my shart parade!

I think I'm going to start with Kirby Canvas Curse right after I level my toon up on WoW... OH SHART!

(to be continued)