Low Rider
I guess I should have put a big old disclaimer before I started this blog because I think there is some general confusion amongst some of my readers. The thing is this: I am a huge Roller Coaster Enthusiast. I pay $13.75 every quarter so that I can wear the t-shirt and carry my card proudly in my fanny pack (also that 3-D video they send out is pretty rad). So some of you might be thinking, Ugh this guy is so messed up I mean did you read about that rollercoaster he was talking about. That shit is impossible! Well listen, I did my homework on it. I did all the calculations then I programmed it into that Disney Roller Coaster editor in Dos. I did that shit so that you would feel enlightened! I didn't expect some of you to lash out and say my theories were unsound. If you don't believe in the future of the coaster then you are no friend of mine.
That being said I am going to have to rethink the roller coaster theory I created in the first post in light of some of events that transpired. Ok, so pull up a gamefaqs for Brain Age and let's get ready for today's installment of Coaster Thinkin'.
What is the most undisputed fact about roller coasters? Well for those of you who don't get the newsletter let me fill you in: it is that the Japanese will try their hardest to outdo any other country when it comes to roller coasters. So imagine if you will the reaction of the Japanese when they see that China has this crazy messed up Inverted MegaChuteCenteroftheGoddamEarth Coaster. They are going to want to outdo that shit with something so insanely low and high at the same time that it'll blow the Level Zero Paradox a new butt.
So, first off this is a sit down coaster and did I mention it's a fuckin' Mobius Strip? A Mobius Strip made out of yin-yangs. You didn't know that? Well, guess you are wishing you got that newsletter. Anyways... So this coaster orbits around the earth, one of the loops goes out around the moon the other around the Earth. This thing gets going so fast that you actually split molecularly into three separate beings, you follow? Now it's all engineered so that "one of you" is going to be directly over the "other you" right at the middle of the Strip which hovers at a point 2 miles above the Earth. The "you on top" is hit in the stomach really hard and forced to take a shit which falls through a worm hole right into the face of the "you on the bottom." The "you that gets dumped on" is going to be feeling pretty low, while the "you that just got to take a dump in someone's face" is going to feel pretty awesome. This causes a warp in space and time which causes part of the ride to explode into a huge confetti ball that falls down around the "third you" on Earth. That "version of you" is going to feel pretty awesome, but then you'll realize that the confetti is polluting the environment and you'll feel pretty low.
Well my friends, that roller coaster metaphor is just like what happened to me today. I thought I had hit my lowest point ever when I decided to start a blog (likened to the Chinaman's inverted coaster). But today I just got one-upped by the Japanese so to speak. Today I reached a low so low that it is impossible for me to even fathom it.
Today I was dumped by a girl who was having a great time with me until SHE READ THE FIRST TWO POSTS ON MY BLOG AND DECIDED THAT I WAS TOO DISTURBING TO DATE ANYMORE.
I'll let that sink in for a minute.
Now I'd like to add that my blog is totally serious and it's main purpose is to connect you, the reader, with the truth about how low a man can sink. I guess once people found out some of the gross things I've done in the past that it's only natural that they would want to cut off from me. Ce la Vie or some French shit. Anyway, I guess you can't ever live down something so disturbing as having accidentally brushed up against a black girl's boob. I thought I could have left that behind me in the past when I left Duke, but that bouncy ebony specter will hound me until I'm cold in the ground.
I can barely live with myself after what happened so I can honestly understand why people would find me monstrous now. I won't deny it my hand came in contact with a black-skinned tit. Ok, there I'm dealing with it. Can't you? I am dealing with it by really getting into my roller coaster hobby. It really takes my mind off some of the low shit I've done and helps me really convey myself over the blogosphere where metaphor is a golden tongue against the cruel chaos of a spider's web (the internet).
Well I haven't heard back from her yet. She dumped me via email and I replied to try and figure out just what went wrong. That's a pretty low way to dump somebody... through a cold and impersonal email. So here's my tip for the ladies: if you are going to break off your relationship with someone be the better person and do it by leaving a personal comment about it on their blog.
That being said I am going to have to rethink the roller coaster theory I created in the first post in light of some of events that transpired. Ok, so pull up a gamefaqs for Brain Age and let's get ready for today's installment of Coaster Thinkin'.
What is the most undisputed fact about roller coasters? Well for those of you who don't get the newsletter let me fill you in: it is that the Japanese will try their hardest to outdo any other country when it comes to roller coasters. So imagine if you will the reaction of the Japanese when they see that China has this crazy messed up Inverted MegaChuteCenteroftheGoddamEarth Coaster. They are going to want to outdo that shit with something so insanely low and high at the same time that it'll blow the Level Zero Paradox a new butt.
So, first off this is a sit down coaster and did I mention it's a fuckin' Mobius Strip? A Mobius Strip made out of yin-yangs. You didn't know that? Well, guess you are wishing you got that newsletter. Anyways... So this coaster orbits around the earth, one of the loops goes out around the moon the other around the Earth. This thing gets going so fast that you actually split molecularly into three separate beings, you follow? Now it's all engineered so that "one of you" is going to be directly over the "other you" right at the middle of the Strip which hovers at a point 2 miles above the Earth. The "you on top" is hit in the stomach really hard and forced to take a shit which falls through a worm hole right into the face of the "you on the bottom." The "you that gets dumped on" is going to be feeling pretty low, while the "you that just got to take a dump in someone's face" is going to feel pretty awesome. This causes a warp in space and time which causes part of the ride to explode into a huge confetti ball that falls down around the "third you" on Earth. That "version of you" is going to feel pretty awesome, but then you'll realize that the confetti is polluting the environment and you'll feel pretty low.
Well my friends, that roller coaster metaphor is just like what happened to me today. I thought I had hit my lowest point ever when I decided to start a blog (likened to the Chinaman's inverted coaster). But today I just got one-upped by the Japanese so to speak. Today I reached a low so low that it is impossible for me to even fathom it.
Today I was dumped by a girl who was having a great time with me until SHE READ THE FIRST TWO POSTS ON MY BLOG AND DECIDED THAT I WAS TOO DISTURBING TO DATE ANYMORE.
I'll let that sink in for a minute.
Now I'd like to add that my blog is totally serious and it's main purpose is to connect you, the reader, with the truth about how low a man can sink. I guess once people found out some of the gross things I've done in the past that it's only natural that they would want to cut off from me. Ce la Vie or some French shit. Anyway, I guess you can't ever live down something so disturbing as having accidentally brushed up against a black girl's boob. I thought I could have left that behind me in the past when I left Duke, but that bouncy ebony specter will hound me until I'm cold in the ground.
I can barely live with myself after what happened so I can honestly understand why people would find me monstrous now. I won't deny it my hand came in contact with a black-skinned tit. Ok, there I'm dealing with it. Can't you? I am dealing with it by really getting into my roller coaster hobby. It really takes my mind off some of the low shit I've done and helps me really convey myself over the blogosphere where metaphor is a golden tongue against the cruel chaos of a spider's web (the internet).
Well I haven't heard back from her yet. She dumped me via email and I replied to try and figure out just what went wrong. That's a pretty low way to dump somebody... through a cold and impersonal email. So here's my tip for the ladies: if you are going to break off your relationship with someone be the better person and do it by leaving a personal comment about it on their blog.
posted by Matty at 5:07 PM
8 Comments:
One person's low is another person's high, dawg. I bet she was happy about that shit! As for the Mobius Strip Yin-Yang Coaster... there are no words, just shit. *poot!*
Sheeeee's COOOOLD BLOOOODED!
That girl is IIIIICE COOOOLD!
Hold tight 'tthew.
I'm zoomin' in to fill the void she left.
I'll bring the strawberries and the Sade CD and it'll be just like that time at the Duncans' house when they were in Egypt.
Just borrow Rascal from them.
They never did figure out why his ear was so bloody.
I guess you shouldn't post anything you wouldn't want your girlfriend (or your mother) to read!
Mom?
Ultimately, it's a good thing that she broke up with you. Don't you think?
Oh, very much so.
Post a Comment
<< Home