Duke of Yesterbeer

I mentioned in my first post that I was a college drop out. Let me relate to you the sad tale of how that came to be. It may be one of the lowest points in my entire life.

I was a kid that didn't come from much. Single parent, middle income. I had enough toys to get by. Anyway, skip ahead to Senior Year of highschool, I just got a letter in the mail saying I got in to Duke University.

"Wow," I said.

And then I decided to go there. Things were going great for me: I had a lot of cool friends, I was a dedicated church goer, my grades couldn't have been better, and I was in the best shape of my life. One day I was out on the Quad doing my normal Suicide runs to work on my stamina when these guys came up to me and asked me to play them in a game of One-on-One.

I said, "Sorry, brah, I don't shoot hoops."

But then they chuckled and told me that they wanted to put me to the test in something else. A game called lacrosse. I held up the cross around my neck and said, "Dis iz tee onlee L'cross I need" in my best French accent. Well, they were rolling on the floor laughing their asses off, and when they came to they handed me a stick. Within the hour I had joined the team and they put me as first string Quarterback.

I was a phenom. I could score a goal from half court, my putting put the other teams to shame, I never once missed a catch, and when I pitched the pig skin it always ended up over the homeplate endzone. I even perfected the dreaded square knot. Life was great: My friends got a whole lot cooler, not only did I preach sermons now but I was doing the old preacher's wife, to the suprise of my professors my grades improved to a level that hadn't been invented yet, my body became harder than maplewood, and I got really really good at listing things.

Were the parties awesome? Yeah, they were... or so I thought!

I said life was a roller coaster, baby. And I meant it. I had nowhere to go now but down. I was at one of our team's nightly party in one of the Dorms and I had had a few brews. I thought it would be a good idea to impress the ladies by showing off my dance moves so I busted out the "lawnmower." You know, that dance where you pretend to pull the rip cord from one of those grass cutters? Anyway, as I was pulling my hand back I lost control of my tricep for a second and my hand flew backwards and touched... a black girl's tit.

I'll use a simile now that a lot of my sheltered video game loving readers might get. It was like I was on level 25 in Toe Jam & Earl and I was in sight of the last ship piece when I got a rocketskates. So I decide to go all the way down to level 1 and rocketskate over to the bottom left corner and drop down to Level Zero. I drink the rootbeer and burp and then I hop in the hot tub to chill out with some Hawaiian girls while my life bar refills. I reach over and accidentally bump my tentacle into the Hula Girls titty only to realize that she's actually black!

The Paradox that is Level Zero is what my Blog is all about. In one sense it is the absolute lowest level that one can go to. But also falling off of it will lead you right back to the highest level you've ever reached in the game so far. It's a precipice/black hole that only a Chinaman would dare venture into. It's the very essence of Blogitude.

Well as you can imagine my world fell apart. After having brushed my hand against the titty of the black girl my friend had just finished raping, I couldn't show my face around anymore. People were talking about it behind my back, my parents weren't talking to me at all, and the Popo's (that's black slang for police that's infected me just from that touch) kept coming to my dorm room to ask me questions. I felt awful and so I quit going to class. I just stayed in my room and ate Mickey D's (Nuts) and thought about killing myself or at least masturbating myself.

I failed all my classes except for my Hebrew class, which I got an A in because the teacher didn't want to scar her record, and I was forced to drop out. I went from King Duke of Point Scoring to That Guy Who Touched a Black Girl's Boob Ewwwwwwwwww. I'm heavily medicated now, and I've come to deal with it all by posting about it in this public blog so that you'll all either pity me or fake pity me while feeling better about yourself for only touching white or yellow tits.