One is silver, one is gold, the other is pure platinum.
Well my best friend just moved away today to live with his brand new wife in their nice little cottage home with white picket fences in downtown Charleston. What can I say about him? He was my first love, my first kiss, my first lay. L'sigh. I'll miss the old cunt but I'll be sure to come and visit and listen to them argue about whose money is whose. It'll be fun maybe we'll even get to spend some time together when she makes him sleep on the couch. They were partly responsible for the creation of this blog. So I owe all my e-success to them. Their blog can be found at http://duncanchronicles.blogspot.com so if you like hearing about stuffy old married couples then head there. For Dan's personal blog that Mary E. isn't supposed to know about go to http://ifucklilboiz.blogspot.com to read all about some of his favorite activities.
So, am I sad? A little bit, but I can still go over to his parents' place and mooch off all of their stuff. I realized today that with this move I'll now have more online friends than real life friends. The live-at-home-watching-anime nerd in me says, this is great! Real life relationships are such a hassle anyways. When a friend moves away they leave only their memories and the used condoms (seriously guys, ever heard of a trash can?). And I know you are going to say, "Yeah, I've heard of one. That's where I threw out all of those cummed up condoms. What the hell are you doing digging through my garbage?" That's when I'll be like, "Listen I think it's better if we just became e-friends." And you'll say, "Don't change the goddamn subject, that's my semen!"
An e-friend is like having a Portrait of that Dorian Gray guy only the portrait doesn't get all old; the friend does. I mean I can remember my friend in his prime when he wasn't getting laid and when he had these creeped out fangs and it'll never fade. Whereas real life relationships are situated in reality, these online ones are in the realm of Fantasy. And if you read two posts down you'll see why Fantasy is a whole lot sexier than reality (it's because of the robot and griffon orgy if you are too lazy to scroll down). I mean why have a warm-bodied friend when I can have a profile page with A HUGE LIST OF STATS? It's like my best friend just became a goddamn superhero with his own trading card. That's pretty rad cuz I knew him when he was just a rookie and I can probably get him to sign it. E-sign it.
"So, you two-faced bastard," you ask, "what is the other side of this coin?"
Well this coin is no ordinary coin. It's one of those State Quarters that are in so low supply that every grandma in the country is collecting them up for when they'll be worth 26 cents. The other side of this coin (the coin of friendship) is that of the perpetual e-friend. A friend who has only ever been known online which you meet in numerous cybersex chat rooms. These are what I like to call my "True Friends."
Everyone knows that the length of someone's e-penis or the depth of their virtua-vag is measured in how many online friends they have. The guy with the deepest v-vag would have to be my best e-luv J. Lust. J. Lust is like Kentucky's equivalent of that Russian band Tatu. You know those two hot underage lesbos? Well that's what he's like or so he's told me. You can read his Blog over at http://thejosephlusterreport.blogspot.com and you'll get to read all about the legend. J. tells me that when we meet finally, once I save up enough money for the hotel room and his bus ticket, that's he's going to "love me to death." I can't wait. He sounds like such a cool guy, he showed me a link to his dungeon (which is really his parents' basement) and it was rad, he had all these fake body parts lying around like the kind you get at Spencer's around Halloween so I guess he used to work in one of those places. Anyway I'm into the whole gothorror scene so I really want to meet him and just talk about life. You can read more into his personal life at http://ifuckbigboiz.blogspot.com which is his other blog.
Finally meeting an e-friend is like unmasking the ghost at the end of Scooby Doo. It's a little scary at first and you gotta be really high when you are cybering with them, but in the end they turn out to be pretty nice guys who just want to steal money from the circus or steal pirate treasure from the museum. It's great fun so I suggest posting all your personal info and going out and meeting all the e-friends you can, especially if you are one of my younger readers (like under 13) because once you get a job it'll be harder to travel out to motels during the day.
If you are a friend e- or otherwise and you want me to post a link to your blog then send me the url in an email to mattstoop@gmail.com and make sure you put Booboo Blog in the title to get it past my spam checker.
Once we are connected by blogs we'll never go out of touch and the world will be a whole lot bloggier.
So, am I sad? A little bit, but I can still go over to his parents' place and mooch off all of their stuff. I realized today that with this move I'll now have more online friends than real life friends. The live-at-home-watching-anime nerd in me says, this is great! Real life relationships are such a hassle anyways. When a friend moves away they leave only their memories and the used condoms (seriously guys, ever heard of a trash can?). And I know you are going to say, "Yeah, I've heard of one. That's where I threw out all of those cummed up condoms. What the hell are you doing digging through my garbage?" That's when I'll be like, "Listen I think it's better if we just became e-friends." And you'll say, "Don't change the goddamn subject, that's my semen!"
An e-friend is like having a Portrait of that Dorian Gray guy only the portrait doesn't get all old; the friend does. I mean I can remember my friend in his prime when he wasn't getting laid and when he had these creeped out fangs and it'll never fade. Whereas real life relationships are situated in reality, these online ones are in the realm of Fantasy. And if you read two posts down you'll see why Fantasy is a whole lot sexier than reality (it's because of the robot and griffon orgy if you are too lazy to scroll down). I mean why have a warm-bodied friend when I can have a profile page with A HUGE LIST OF STATS? It's like my best friend just became a goddamn superhero with his own trading card. That's pretty rad cuz I knew him when he was just a rookie and I can probably get him to sign it. E-sign it.
"So, you two-faced bastard," you ask, "what is the other side of this coin?"
Well this coin is no ordinary coin. It's one of those State Quarters that are in so low supply that every grandma in the country is collecting them up for when they'll be worth 26 cents. The other side of this coin (the coin of friendship) is that of the perpetual e-friend. A friend who has only ever been known online which you meet in numerous cybersex chat rooms. These are what I like to call my "True Friends."
Everyone knows that the length of someone's e-penis or the depth of their virtua-vag is measured in how many online friends they have. The guy with the deepest v-vag would have to be my best e-luv J. Lust. J. Lust is like Kentucky's equivalent of that Russian band Tatu. You know those two hot underage lesbos? Well that's what he's like or so he's told me. You can read his Blog over at http://thejosephlusterreport.blogspot.com and you'll get to read all about the legend. J. tells me that when we meet finally, once I save up enough money for the hotel room and his bus ticket, that's he's going to "love me to death." I can't wait. He sounds like such a cool guy, he showed me a link to his dungeon (which is really his parents' basement) and it was rad, he had all these fake body parts lying around like the kind you get at Spencer's around Halloween so I guess he used to work in one of those places. Anyway I'm into the whole gothorror scene so I really want to meet him and just talk about life. You can read more into his personal life at http://ifuckbigboiz.blogspot.com which is his other blog.
Finally meeting an e-friend is like unmasking the ghost at the end of Scooby Doo. It's a little scary at first and you gotta be really high when you are cybering with them, but in the end they turn out to be pretty nice guys who just want to steal money from the circus or steal pirate treasure from the museum. It's great fun so I suggest posting all your personal info and going out and meeting all the e-friends you can, especially if you are one of my younger readers (like under 13) because once you get a job it'll be harder to travel out to motels during the day.
If you are a friend e- or otherwise and you want me to post a link to your blog then send me the url in an email to mattstoop@gmail.com and make sure you put Booboo Blog in the title to get it past my spam checker.
Once we are connected by blogs we'll never go out of touch and the world will be a whole lot bloggier.
posted by Matty at 7:04 PM
18 Comments:
I find that meeting e-friends in real life is also sort of like you've been playing this awesome action game for weeks and weeks and you can't put it down. The game is like 168 hours long, which is really weird for a side-scrolling action game, but you keep playing nevertheless because it's just that awesome.
It's pretty hard so that's why it takes you even longer than 168 hours (which is what the box advertised it as taking). Anyway, you tell your friends about the bosses and mini-bosses because they are just that dang cool. One is a turtle with a Frankenstein for its shell and innards made of macaroni (that you have to eat in the bonus round after you kill it).
Every single boss and every little peon enemy hypes up the boss through the entire game. After you kill the skate-boarding vulture, for instance, it gives this five minute death speech about how fucking badass the last boss is going to be and that you'll never ever kill it.
Your dude's all, "Well, what is the boss? Give me a hint, dude." But they all either croak before they can tell you, or they just laugh at you and self-destruct their battered bodies.
One day, you make it to the last boss. There's a lot of fanfare and these stairs that go on past heaven and then they wrap around through hell and back up to heaven, which has been decimated by this boss. You can barely hold the controller because you're so nervous.
You make it into his chamber (which used to be God's, I guess. Maybe he's got one foot on God and he's tied up and all like "Help me!" and you have to save him; it's not important, you get the picture).
Then, after 168 hours, the boss turns out to just be an alternate color of the first boss you fought, kind of like those retarded looking bosses in the first Adventure Island.
Also, if you lose, he ties you up in his parent's basement and makes you lick his asshole until it bleeds.
Here's my blog-a-roo, bloggy buddy!
http://deathpufferfish.blogspot.com
J. Lust, I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm glad that you are my e-friend because you can relate more to my videogame-loving readers and help them understand what I'm trying to say. I know the coin buff and roller coaster fans will still need my metaphors, but it's good to know that there is more than one P.O.V. out there on the web.
Will you give birth to my graphic novel?
Yes, yes, yes, and YES!
Let me just start by saying that the girl that ran scared due to your blogs was obviously the only friend you had with any intelligence or deceny about them. The fact that your MOM apparently reads these and lets you go about your merry way appalls me. You were obviously raised by parents who need to seek mental health. They may want to check the yellow pages for that number ASAP. Hell, I'll give you a number to call. I wouldn't be surprised to read an upcoming article in the newspaper stating that your sick psycho ass was caught Norman Bates style in your mother's dress having molested or been violent with women (which you have an obvious lack of respect for) or small amimals (which you have a sick fascination with.) Thank God I don't know who you are or what you look like. You seriously need your ass kicked. Maybe God will do us all a favor and get rid of your sorry ass....you know...as payback for getting a hard-on in church.
Hey baby, what is your number?
You wish. Not only are you a disturbing sleaze but you're also very stupid. I'll bet the local newspaper and law enforcement center will love the copies of your blogs you little shit. Go ahead and erase what you want. Your information's already been copied. Still think it's funny? You won't for very long.
While you are at it you might want to let them in on this website: http://www.theonion.com because there is some pretty messed up stories on there that should be reported.
Also, I never once insulted or threatened your friend. All I did was talk about the manner in which she broke things off with me. I never said anything bad about her at all.
You on the other hand have lashed out at me and insulted me personally. You and your friend are pretty judgemental and I don't really appreciate the physical threats you've posted. So I've copied those threats and sent them to the NATIONAL newspapers and the FBI! Beat that.
You aren't very bright. I have no idea what "friend" you're referring to. You really don't think that anything you talk about is disturbing and that's what makes you sick. You actually reference a rape...the Duke rape...and being a witness. You're a psycho. That's not okay. Getting excited in church and talking about your hard-on is not okay. You apparently can't read either. I have never physically threatened you. I don't even know you. You however have stated that you were part of two crimes. One being sexual harrassment the other being accessory to rape. Wonder if you'll be such a smartass when your bunk mate in prison makes you his bitch.
I hope you are a gimmick.
"Getting excited in church and talking about your hard-on is not okay."
Actually some of us are all for such discussion. Guess we can't all win. :(
Sure, the internet is full of incredibly stupid people, but I don't think anyone could possibly be any denser than "April" or the other minority of blog-hogs reading this (hilarious) page. Another sad representation of the countless people that take everything literally and at face value, and will never be able to laugh, cry, masturbate, or do all three at once with any semblance of pleasure or liveliness.
Joe is the prism of clarity. And sorry, April. I thought you were a friend of the girl that got all upset at my blog. If that was the case I could see why you'd be upset and all.
If you are just somebody upset at my "story" then WOW. Besides I've got a kickin' alibi.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
POST DELETED CUZ I DIDN'T WANT IT TO INCRIMINATE ME.
Gosh Matthew.... your friends are sooo cool. Charles Manson's "family" thought he was really cool too. Being called dense...wow that hurts. How many of you morons did it take to come up with that one? Karmas's a bitch guys.
Oh no! I hope I don't get in trouble for HAVING FUN ON THE INTERNET.
April, when is the local newspaper going to contact me for my interview? I want to know so I can shower and shave first so I look good.
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