Gone Fishin'

Let me first start off by introducing myself. I'm Matthew, college drop-out and all around doer of low things. I like to compare my life to that of a roller coaster, a continuous track of ups and downs and loop-di-loops and whiptail-curly-zups and sticky seats that smell like kid pee. I believe the measure of a man's life can be summed up by which roller coaster he most relates to, whether he be a timid Scooby Doo Ghosta Coasta or a neck-wrenching Ninja. He may relate most to the Rockin' Roller Coaster if he's into the extreme Aerosmith-rock-a-thon lifestyle of killing 12-year-old boys. Gotcha thinkin' about those sharp corkscrew turns? Good!

Ok, so play along with me now as I try out a little thought experiment. We all know that if you dig a hole straight through the Earth, straight through Hell, then you end up in China, right? Now what if there was a coaster so X-treme that it went so far down through enough crust, magma, and damned that it ended up in the land of China (aka The Orient, aka The Borient! lol). Would that American coaster's lowest drop not also be the Chinaman's tallest incline?

Can one man's lowest point also be another man's highest?

Yes, I think so. Especially today because I've done the lowest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Something so vile that I promised myself back when I was a man of faith that I would never ever ever ever do it. I started a web log (and from here on out I'm going to stoop to using the term blog even though it makes me cringe and feel even more homosexual than I already normally do). What better way for others to feel completely better about themselves than to read about the most subhuman actions of another all under the protective blanket of internet anonymity?

What am I thinking? I'm now apart of a "blogosphere," a community of bloggers who spend their days blogging about metablogology and about which blogs they may or may not have blogged on any given day of the blogender (that's a Blogging Calender for those blognoobz). I have to get out of the mindset that I'm writing for my own personal self. This isn't my journal, dude, I've got an audience to attend to. The Blogdience.

There is a circle of life out here in the wilds of the blogosphere, a constant cycle of pity and ego stroking that lets us all feel better. For those above me in the food chain I'll be like the Inverted MegaEarthChute Drop Coaster that all the Chinamen love to ride on. All my pathetic low points that I'm going to lay out everyday will be a constant reaffirmation of their awesome blogs that talk about, I dunno, scoring with chicks or winning Yu-gi-oh tournaments. Now for the other half that are below me (well come on maybe that other tenth) on the chain, I'm gonna be this pimped-out Carney that has a sweet ass roller coaster that goes through the center of the motherfucking Earth. They're gonna want to ride on that thing. So they are going to post comments about how rad I am and how much shittier their blog-scene is. All this shit will form a giant web connecting blogger to blogger. This is where the term weblog comes from, it's Latin for a web of shit logs dangling from Zeus's asshole.

It's going to be one smelly ride that I hope you will all be able to stomach, because it will be my job to try and relate all of the low things I've stooped to in my time and when I run out of old things I'll have to start doing new things. So I'm casting my rod and I'm looking to fish up some juicy comments from all of you bloggers out there riding your shit logs (blogs) down this Splash Mountain rip-off that's going to be built next to my rad Coaster of extreme lowness (unless you're Chinese of course). That being said I have a lot of cutting and van burning to attend to now that I'm on the blog train so I will bid you all a "Good Blogight."