Thursday, September 14, 2006

WTB [Blog Update] 1g1g1g please PST

Well it has been a while since I've updated this beast of a shameful blog. I'm sure many of my devoted readers have been frantically hitting f5 with one hand while keeping their fingers crossed with the other. Well today's constant refresh session is going to have refreshing results ha ha ha. I'm back after a long string of very sad sunken lows that I'll just have to document on my blog.

The day after my last post April's legal hounds finally gnawed their way through the milkbone bars of my jail cell existence. I was awoken to the clicks and pops and whirrs of tens of tens of reporters at my front door begging to be the first to interview the notorious Black Boob Toucher (yeah I didn't think of it you can thank The Boston Globe). I told them that everything was accounted for in my blog and jeez couldn't I get a little privacy? That's when it hit me. The Book. You know that book that policemen and judges throw at Crime-doers? That's the one that hit me and flung me ass backwards into a police stretch hummer that doubled as an interrogation chamber. They strapped my arms to a lie detector and then strapped some electrodes to my nuts just for fun (I had my own laugh when they had to go get the smaller electrodes out of the supply car and thus giving me some more time to laugh and compose myself).

I told them everything that I told you all in that fateful blogpost and let me tell you my nuts haven't been that zapped since Boy Scout camp! Apparently the lie detector took my flawless narrative style of storytelling to be lying. They made a quick conference call with April (who I figure to be a crime fighter or Ace Attorney) and came back to tell me that I was a "sick man" but that nothing of the story was true! Of course I was crushed and felt horrible that no one believed the story of my life. I mean I was there wasn't I? They then told me some made up fact that I wasn't even in school during the whole Duke catastrophe. When all twelve of my alibis confirmed this they gave me one last nut shock and let me go on my merry way.

All in all that took like 3 hours.

The rest of the time I've been away I've been playing World of Warcraft. I mentioned that I needed to level a toon up before I could get on to some more shart worthy games. To date I've spent over $12,000 on the game from buying it to their absurd monthly subscription fee to buying gold and items online. I also beat up some kid who ninja looted from my guild for some money on the side, so I guess I've kind of made money from playing it. I just went in and calculated all of the /played time on all of my characters and it clocks my total play time as being 412 days 15 hours and change. That's more than an entire year's worth of my life spent playing a game and getting phat purpz. That's the best year of my life.

I've been e-married in the game 6 times in Booty Bay, and only 4 of those times did ganking noobs come to spoil the ceremony. I proposed to my latest bride after this killer ring drop off of this Naxx boss. She said yes and I let her take it and then my guild said I was just being a "gay fag." But how is it gay if the girl I'm gonna marry is a female Nightelf Druid? I mean the guy playing her might be gay but I'm definitely not. Anyway I spent the next 3 weeks, 6 days and 21 hours playing this new Nightelf Rogue character and I got him a ton of Shadowcraft and I'm working on my Nightrazor set right now. I've got like 1200 gold that I bought online and a bank full of Runecloth. I mean with such a sweet set up how could I not want to keep playing the same encounters over and over again.

Well let me tell you a sad tale now that I left out of my initial "candy-coated" account of my WoW experience (lol). I left that bag of unplayed DS games on top of my monitor to remind me that there were plenty of game that had actual endings that I needed to beat. But grinding on mobs would make my brain forget all about those and everytime I'd open that bag up to see what was inside I'd shart a shartom bomb. Of course unlike DDR, playing WoW requires you to wear a thing called a Poop Sock. This is a sock that goes around your b-hole and allows you to take dumps while you are at your desk so that you can go on 7 hour long raids and not have any interuptions. There's also a Pee Glove, but that doesn't really factor into this. You see everytime I'd shart from shame I had the luxury of not having to change my pants. The sock did all of the work for me and I could then go back to getting mad drops and stop thinking about games with endings.

This went on for a while. In fact I consumed over $100 in socks. That's 20 packs of socks which contain 6 socks each. If one sock can hold 2 dumps (about 20 ejaculations) then I must have sharted 240 times in less than 4 weeks. The smell was getting to be too much. I hadn't shoved any cat crap under the rug in over 3 weeks and there were piles everywhere. Cat Shit Stinks! Pee Yew! Ok, I told myself (in [Common]) that I needed to stop. Also, my account had been banned for hacking and I was forced into just watching the Burning Crusade trailer on Youtube over and over again while I dreamed about all the Legendary Items I'd be seeing. When I thought it couldn't get anyworse my sock fell off right as my eye glimpsed the box for Kirby's Canvas Curse and the shart that overtook me then changed my life.

I stopped playing MMO's (well except for YPP because it's not really one and AO, SG, and EQ are just not up my alley right now). I started playing games that have single player campaigns. And the sharting has never smelt so sweet!

"DS, I'm sorry that I've been treating you so poorly. Will you marry me?"

"In Ironforge?"

"In the AH?

"For 1g?"

"PST"

":)"